Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Man, I didn't really bring very many clothes the more I think about it... We just went to the op-shop and I got a bright blue blouse for like $3 so that's good. I'm just looking for a simple white blouse and a white cardigan but I couldn't find any at the op-shop... It's pretty impossible to keep to budget when you factor in the fact that I want to go shopping. We buy everything at the absolute cheapest. Homebrand all the time. And we really don't have very much time to go shopping around. I don't like to be a burden and I don't want to drag my companion on a shopping spree. I mean, my clothes will suffice, I just realised I missed a lot of things at home... Oh so just to summarise, it's okay. Mum always complains about shipping. Everybody thinks I'm so lucky because my family is so close, it's hard to explain that they totally take me for granted because they think I have the freedom to get whatever I want just like I was at home. That is so not true. They think I don't need letters or cards or packages. That is also not true. I was so upset the day after Christmas. I think the lack of hearing from anyone, the lack of receiving anything this past month just like built up until Christmas day but I handled it like a soldier. And then on boxing day during Opening Hymn (I know that my redeemer lives) I just cracked because I knew that my redeemer lived but I felt so impure and unhappy. Part of me was mortified by my behaviour but I also couldn't stop sobs from tearing out of me. Unhappy because I wasn't receiving anything from family, from friends or anyone. And impure because I couldn't erase this feeling and I wanted to be a consecrated missionary. Anyway, the mission president's wife was there to comfort me. I think I still struggle but I know the solution is to forget myself. Much easier said than done I am afraid, but I will try! Because this is my trainer's last transfer and I want her to leave with absolutely no regrets! I don't want to hold her down! I will stretch myself and overcome these insecurities and emotions that have plagued me all my life.

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